In the Still of the Night

I awaken at 4am after 12 hours of being in and out of an insatiable slumber brought on by labor, delivery, exhaustion, and 6 months of broken sleep.

I sat straight up in the bed.

The lights were dim.

TV off.

There was a stillness in the room I hadn’t experienced in a long time. The silence was almost chilling. After a year of sheer excitement carrying the twins then the joy of their arrival, I found myself…

ALONE

No husband, no kids, no Melissa, no babies, no mom... nobody.

For a split second, I thought about turning the TV on, just for the company. A little bit of noise, at least. But I quickly realized that was merely a way for me to avoid being with myself.

That little voice in my head began to speak,

“With All you went through for someone else and everything you do for others, look at you. You’re alone! Does anyone even care?”

I, honestly, was worried about postpartum depression given all the hormones were multiplied by 2. Luckily, I’ve been working very hard on my spiritual life over the past few years and did not entertain those negative thoughts or allow them to spiral into something greater.

Instead of running, I embraced it. I sat there in the peace of the room. I was with myself, by myself, and I was ok with it. In that moment, I wasn’t defined by who I took care of (mother), what I did for a living (broadcaster), or even what I had done for another (surrogate).

I was me.

I was whole.

I wasn’t searching for validation or escape.

I was no longer trying to prove I deserve my existence on this Earth.

This is the nirvana all the self help books, church services, and meditations were trying to get me to. If only I could walk in this confidence everyday in every moment of my life…

"No matter where you go, there you are." ~ Confucius

#enlightenment #awareness #sefesteem #postpartum #surrogacy #proudsurrogate #spirituality #meditate #soul #spirit #awakening #love